“No one ever calls a man bossy, it's a gendered term. It's something that I'm always gonna think about.  There’s also the term resting bitch face (RBF). There's not a male term for that. If a man sits there and isn't smiling, he doesn't get called out for that,” says Ashley

Ashley is CEO and managing partner of a digital marketing company.  She became a COO in her mid-20s and was CEO by the time she was 30.  She admits that it hasn’t always been easy but attributes her success to the work ethic she gained growing up on a farm.  

It was very clear in speaking with Ashley how she got to where she is today. She prioritizes being approachable to her employees, practices vulnerability, encourages her team to do the same, maintains good peer relationships, and stays up on effective leadership practices. However, no amount of talent appears to shield her from gender-based microaggressions.

According to an article in Medical News Today, microaggressions are “actions that negatively target a marginalized group or individual. A microaggression is a form of discrimination that can be intentional or accidental.” Gender-based microaggressions are those made by one gender towards another.

Heather, the CFO of an investment firm, has had similar experiences. She shared, “Older male founders will ask me to do things that they should be asking their administrative assistant to do.  Here's a perfect example:  I had my back to the door during a meeting and the founder tapped me and said, Heather, can you go get the food?  And I didn't know what he was talking about. But I jumped up because I was just reacting.  And then my attorney came after me and said, get back in that meeting. I'll take care of this.  The founder just pointed to the woman. So it's those things that you have to laugh at or just roll your eyes at, they still exist.”

These experiences are not surprising

According to McKinsey & Company’s Women in the Workplace 2023 Report, “Years of data show that women experience microaggressions at a significantly higher rate than men: they are twice as likely to be mistaken for someone junior and hear comments on their emotional state” and “78 percent of women who face microaggressions self-shield at work, or adjust the way they look or act in an effort to protect themselves. For example, many women code-switch—or tone down what they say or do—to try to blend in and avoid a negative reaction at work.”

Ashley has learned to not let that get in her way, saying, “So I recommend continuing to recognize in those moments that the person who's saying that is being insecure and don’t let it get you down.  And embrace it, if people call you bossy, that means you're a leader, in my opinion.” 

Still, it is difficult for successful female leaders to continue to experience these things.

Before becoming a licensed therapist, I was a female leader in a male-dominated field so I experienced firsthand what these women are describing.  Even though more women are being promoted to executive positions today than ever before, it is disheartening to hear how much work still needs to be done in this area.  

Companies are implementing diversity, equity, and inclusion programs that could benefit professional women. Several women empowerment groups and training sessions teach women how to withstand repeated micro-aggressions.  Still, the burden falls mostly on women, which further tests their work-life integration efforts.  However, if they don’t do it, it may never get done.  This is an inordinate amount of pressure to put on these women.  As these women indicated, some men are stepping up, which is very much appreciated.  But we need to continue to hold men accountable to take on more of this burden. 

While this is frustrating for executive women to deal with, there is some hope

“I think men are stepping up more as partners in marriages. I think that's important because if you're out working every day, you sort of ebb and flow with your various careers.  If one's career is taking off, the other one takes a little bit of a backseat, and then it flips. But I think those are all personal things you have to decide,” says Ashley.

“I think that especially if you can do things to educate women on things to be aware of, that would be very important. I don't have any children of my own, but my sister has a couple of girls and my brother has one child and two stepchildren that are all girls. And I think it's very important for them to be aware,” says Jennifer, Accounting Director of a large financial institution.

If gender-based microaggressions are causing you stress, here 6 things to try

1. Accept that changing a long history of keeping women out of leadership positions in our country is not going to be quick.  Then, express gratitude towards the women who have progressed us this far and uplift those who are currently dedicating their full-time efforts to this endeavor.  

2. Find a volunteer organization inside or outside of your organization that is working towards women's equality and get involved to the degree that your time will allow.  You could do anything from donating money to being a keynote speaker to being a mentor. Doing this outside of your organization allows you to be your authentic self and you will feel like you are making a difference on a more global scale.

3. Write down your honest feelings in a private journal.  Acknowledge your true feelings helps you to free yourself from the unconscious pain you are holding on to.

4. Forgive yourself for any guilt feelings you may have around this issue.  Although it’s not your fault, you may feel guilty about that time you did not speak up when you were slighted.  Free yourself from this and commit to speaking up next time.  

5. Create a support system where you can safely vent your feelings about your negative experiences.

6. Meet regularly with a therapist like myself, who specializes in working with executive women and has a feminist lens, to release your feelings so you can keep moving forward in effective ways. Meeting with a therapist gives you a safe place to speak confidently about difficult issues.

Note: The names of the female executives cited in this article were changed to protect their privacy and the privacy of their companies.

Based on your life experiences, It is more difficult for you to deal with gender-based microaggressions. If you are having a difficult time managing this on your own, consider seeing a therapist, like myself, who specializes in working with female leaders. Together, we can figure out a personalized self-care plan for you so you can continue to be successful in your important role.

Check out my About Page to learn more!